Shady Review: Star Wars; The Phantom Menace

The year is 1977 in your earth-time. Space gets a huge burst in interest. Several shuttles launch as part of both Russia's and America's spaceprograms, and a deep space signal is intercepted by a SETI project, aptly named the "WOW!" event. The biggest eyecatcher for modest earthlings however, may well have been the launch of Star Wars, a fresh burst into Sci Fi. A New Hope is the name, and it burst through the world, making a record for the highest grossing movie of all time. Three years after that, George Lucas gives us a sequel, and the world rejoices just like with the first one. Another three years later, and it happens -again-. Star Wars has become one of the most legendary trilogies of all time, and everyone has either seen or heard of it, even if only in passing.

The year jumps forwards to 1999. 22 years after the first movie was released. The words of a new Star Wars movie makes fourty-year-old fanboys wet their pants in surprise. People flock to the cinemas once more. And what they get... sucks.

The Phantom Menace is not super-bad, but it is certainly not Star Wars as the fans know it. In fact, none of these crappy prequels deserve to be called Star Wars, but we'll get to that. Let's get on with the movie, shall we?

--

Erk, where do I start? The Phantom Menace is the first of three sequels, and it foreshadows the bad movies to come with its' name, like something wrong creeping at the back of your head, but you just can't wrap your head around what. Now, everyone and their mother's dog has seen or heard of this movie, so there's not much to be said that most people do not already know.

I will talk about something that most seem to miss, however. The fact that this movie only has two characters. BEFORE you start naming all your favorite jedi, and "that badass red dude with the spikes on his face for the lols", I will explain what I mean. There are plenty of actors in this movie. Even more CGI people walking around. None of them have a personality. There are only two people in the entire movie whom exhibit some form of real characteristic, and that I can willingly say; "That there is a person. Or might be, with some strained thought and disbelief."

Whom these characters are, we'll get back to. First of all, let's look at the super-epic intro crawl! This is what we've been waiting over 15 years for!

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away....

Yes please!

EPISODE I

The Phantom Menace

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic.

Awesome! Turmoil is what we want!

The Taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.

Erh. Okay? Is this the turmoil? This seems more a.. day to day occurence? No? Okay, I'll let you go on!

Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy trade federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.

Wait, what? How do you resolve a taxation dispute with battleships, in a REPUBLIC? And what strategic value does Naboo hold? Hm? Is the tax especially high here? Low? Non-existant? WHY ARE THEY SENDING IN BATTLESHIPS OVER TAXES. Surely it cannot be that bad!

While the Congress endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretely dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...

What? Really? The supposed Trade Federation brings a HOSTILE embargo on this poor planet, and they can't come to a decision in the slightest? Is this Federation that powerful? Are -they- part of the Republic? If they are, why is the Congress allowing this brutal move that could possibly lead to genocide by.. economy? And sending two jedi? The movie -does- have Ambassadors. Why doesn't he send those? Better yet, send an ambassador PROTECTED by Jedi! But alright. We have a blockade of greedy traders. We have Jedi. All these questions will be answered in the movie anyway. ...Right?

No. No they will not. If anything, you will get more questions as you go. Such as; "Am I supposed to root for these idiots?" and "Did I pay for this? Do they give refunds?".

Enough of that! The movie takes us to this super-hardy blockade, wherein we meet the first character in the movie; Qui-Gon Jinn played by Liam Neeson. A somewhat aged, wise Jedi. This would be fine if he was just that. But Qui-Gon Jinn is also reckless, a great trait to put on a wise master Jedi. To pair that off, he has no real respect for the Council he works for and believes in, making him the best rolemodel ever. Qui-Gon is accompanied by his whiny, annoying, snarky, and skeptical padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi. What?

You heard me. They made the lovable Master Jedi who schools and watches over Luke into a snarky, down-to-earth sidekick to whine and provide amusing commentary to the zany situations they fall into. Oh god. It is even worse that THIS IS HIS ONLY PURPOSE. Kenobi will not say -anything- that is not either ;

1. Obvious.
2. Sarcastic.
3. Whiny.
4. Otherwise Negative.
5. Attempted Joke.

He does not have a personality. This becomes painfully apparent when you watch the movies all in one go, and notice that in the second and third Kenobi is suddenly supposed to emulate emotion, something he does so-so.

So, they wait in this small room for the Trade Federation to join them. Here we get immense displays of wisdom from our Jedi Master and his apprentice. They think something is wrong! Oh no! Better be on your guard, guys! Oh, look, a robot serving them drinks, how nice. So you suspect something is terribly wrong, and it might be a trap, but you heedlessly drink whatever is offered. Nice going, Jedi Master Jinn.

They don't even have time to get out of the room before it's time for his next super-wisdom. Oh no! They locked the door and are now flooding the room with poisonous gas! Let's use our lightsabers to smelt through the small door and cut through the possible enemies on the other side! No wait, if I had self-preservation, I might do that. No, let's just hold our breaths until they open the doors instead. It's not like they might have scanners or anything.

Right, anyway. They escape, because the super duper army of evil droids couldn't kill anything even if it offered to kill itself for them. We get a glance at our villain, Darth Sidious. All the fans know this is the Emperor, and you get this tingle of evil in your stomache. You know this is badass. Too bad they milk it dry, and show extensive scenes of him ALL THE TIME. There is not an ounce of mystery again. It might as well be called "Palpatine's Plotting" or.. "Rise of the Empire" and feature him as the protagonist. Noone would know the difference, really.

So, they escaped, anyway, and hitched a ride to this pathetic peace-planet named Naboo. Naboo is inhabited by two main races. Idiot Humans, and Idiot Aliens called 'Gungans'. Thankfully, the Gungans are a little smarter than the humans, but they make up for it by only being in the movie for comedic value.

So we meet Character #2. His name is Jar-Jar Binks. Yes. I know everyone hates this character, and say he ruins the movie. In fact, so many people complained about this guy that George Lucas was coerced into making him mostly absent in the other two. Funny that. Anyway, suck it up. Jar-Jar Binks is a character, and a fine one. He -is- only here to be made fun of, but he has his own set of morals, a distinct personality that makes him interact with his surroundings accordingly, and a really annoying accent so you know he's not human. If you couldn't tell from his strange appearance. It is really sad that they milk him for comical purposes, because A) It does not work, and B) They could have removed him entirely and made a better movie with real characters by putting the focus elsewhere.

So anyway, Mr Binks notes that he is banned from his own home because he's a tosser, but decides to lead the very nice Jedi men there anyway. So the Jedi break out their breathing apparatuses and follow into the watery depths where he lives. Sure would've been nice if they could've used those breathing apparatuses before in the poison clouds instead of holding their breath, but The Plot had not equipped them with such gear yet. They go to the city of Comic Relief and get some help to go to the humans who are on the other side of the planet. Apparently the best way is -through the planet's core-. BY SUBMARINE. Yeah, I won't comment on that.

So they jump into this submarine, and I think it's safe to say that they could've cut this entire trip from the movie, and noone would care. Mainly because NOONE ACTS. The two Jedi sit there with listless expressions as giant fish try to eat them time and time again. Sigh. So yeah. After a quick fix of a power outage that magically does not remove the forcefield protecting the glassless windows, the heroes evade danger and pop in for a bit of a chat with the local humans and their emotionless queen. Amidala or whatnot, who's major purpose in these movies is to get attacked, get flirted at by six-year-olds and sacrifice her handmaidens.

They take Amidala's ship (with Amidala in it) to Tatooine, because pointless shoutbacks to the original movies are cool. Apparently their ship was damaged or whatever, so they want to get some part to fix it. Oh, shit, they don't take Republic credits on this planet. Suddenly we're broke. Qui-Gon displays his wisdom and good nature again by trying to force the vendor to accept his money anyway, despite repeated failure. They meet Anakin Skywalker who I dare say is a small devil child. Noone, I repeat, noone, is THAT nice.

The kid is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. When he's not busy propagating peace through holding hands and having no personality of his own, he runs around calling people angel, or singlehandedly building complex racing machines and robots. This is not a little child. This is a monster created by the Plot. Turns out he IS created by the Plot, quite literally, since he apparently has no father. I won't talk about Midi-chlorians. Just know I hate it too.

So yeah. Long waste of time. Instead of having the boy who builds advanced machines out of scrap look at their ship, or just have him steal the part, or sell something of lesser value to buy the part, or take on a week's work to earn money to get the part, Qui-Gon the wise suggests they bet on a six-year-old in a lethal race that he's never won, in a machine built out of scrap, with their ship as collateral. Great plan, idiot. Anyway, Anakin wins, and they leave. Without his mother. Never in the movie, or between movies, do the jedi ever decide to you know, go back and get her. Nooo. No, they leave her there so grown up Anakin can be a twat later on.

They bring Amidala to the homeworld of the Republic for a bit of a chat, and then they go back to Naboo. Nothing interesting happens at all. Now it's time for war. The Comic Relief Gungans will fight a large droid army for no real reason really far away from the human city, and the humans will try for an infiltration into the captured capitol, which is incidentially the only human city on Naboo. Cue 'hilarious' hijinks and srs space/landbattles. Darth Timefiller appears to fight and die, killing the 'wise' Master Jinn in the process. Naboo is liberated. They hold up some weird glowing orb that we do not know what it is, and all is well for about ten years until the next movie.

So, why is this movie crap? First of all, they ruin it by giving us -too many- shoutbacks. Everyone is in this movie. I'm surprised we didn't get someone calling himself "Jett Solo" for the randomness of it. Something I might touch on in the future also, is the fact that Kenobi WAS TRAINED BY YODA AND NOT THIS RECKLESS MORON. BOTH YODA AND HE SAY SO IN THE ORIGINAL MOVIES. Did you not watch your movies, Mr Lucas?

Anyway. This movie is mediocre and pretty boring. The intrigue and dramatic space opera we loved so much has been replaced by pretty effects and cardboard characters. It's not as bad as many say, but it's not good.

SRM Score: 53% (55% for the movie, -2% for lack of ninja.)

If you're a fan, watch it. But for god's sake, put some music on or read a newspaper while you do.

Shady Review: Mazes & Monsters

Greetings ladies, gentlemen, and delinquients of all sizes! Not too long ago I receieved a tip of a 'movie' called Mazes & Monsters, and a suggestion to review it. Seeing how it's been a while since I last reviewed a movie, I thought it'd be a good timewaster to watch this movie whilst my assistant is brought to a nice boil on the stove. So without further ado, let's travel back in time to 1982 and the movie!


What is it all about, then?
Normally I would break a review into a few structured categories, and talk about each aspect of a movie. Sadly, Mazes & Monsters does not deserve such treatment, so we'll adress the movie here entirely. The movie revolves around a young Tom Hanks in the guide of 'Robbie Wheeling', a pretty smart kid going to college as growing kids do. We quickly find out that he flunked out of school however, because apparently he played too much Mazes & Monsters. Has anyone caught this name yet? Yes, it is indeed the most poorly veiled jab at Dungeons & Dragons ever, and the movies' working title actually went by the name of Dungeons & Dragons until they figured they might get sued to pieces. Smart decision, among a bucketload of bad ones.

That is not all that's gone wrong in Robbie's life, however. His brother Hall ran away when he was X years younger, and decided to never call or write, but it's suggested he might've gone to New York. He starts at a new school, where he makes friends with (and extremely awkwardly I might add) three supposed roleplayers who're into the same game as him. Apparently this make-believe version of D&D has carry-over characters, because they're all excited to hear his old character is conviniently the same level as they are. They press-gang Robbie into joining their group, and Robbie joins to get with the girl in the group.

He does. By way of montage. I am somewhat thankful of this fact, because every scene with Robbie and 'Kate', his new girlfriend, is super-awkward, tense in a bad way, and bumbles forward like two men who had their wives go to the bathroom in the middle of a foursome. One of their friends is suicidal, we find out, and in a particular moment of lonesome, walks to kill himself in a set of caverns that lie conviniently outside campus. He notes however, that these caves, while super dangerous, would be great to frighten your friends to shit so they won't hang out with you anymore.

So cut to another crappy make-believe session of D&D.. I mean M&M. This is the actual conversation.

"Maze Controller"(Read with feigned dramatic voice): Between you and the undead is a large chasm that stretches very wide and deep. At the very bottom there is something glittering, perhaps the magic treasure of Genarc, or MAYBE A TRAP.


Suicidal Guy: I jump into the chasm to get the treasure. What kinda treasure is it?


"Maze Controller"(Read with awkward surprise): IT'SH A TRAP. Large gem-encrusted spikes. You are impaled and die.

The writing astounds me. It's as if they copied it straight from a D&D game! Or maybe not. So the guy dies and quickly recovers from this apparently super-serious event, I mean, it's not like he can just make a new character, right? No, instead he suggests they start live action roleplaying instead, and that they do it in these mega-dangerous caves outside campus where apparently a whole bunch of kids got lost. Go figure they all instantly agree.

So, they go to their little pretend adventure, which is hilariously more great than anything else in the movie, and with only a skeleton with a flashlight in it's mouth, and a hallucination to help their cave venture on, that's saying alot. Robbie has a psychotic episode, because apparently he has schizophrenia amongst other things, and becomes deeply affirmed in the idea that he is the 'M&M Holy Man' (yellow coating) that he plays in the game. This is followed by a tunnel dream where he's told he needs to become one with the great Hall, and seek the Two Towers to fulfill his quest and gain a level. Why he can't just get xp, I don't know. So, Hall is obviously his brother and apparently his god too, and Robbie becomes more obsessed, still believing he is a character from a game. He decides the Twin Towers in New York is what it's all about, and that jumping off it is a great idea. It is, we'd not have to suffer this movie if he did.

So his friends call the cops on his ass like any nice, caring friends, and then go to visit him at his parents house to find he's still batshit crazy. Like the caring friends they are, they feed his addiction one last time by playing M&M with him.

What I haven't included in this walkthrough is the horrible and obvious anti-roleplaying propaganda, because I thought it'd be less then tactful. The entire movie is littered with lines like "Ever since you started playing that game you haven't done well for yourself." and "The worst horrors come from inside our mind's imagination." I wouldn't mind it if the characters didn't almost look at the camera while delivering them.

The acting is not even passably decent. Delivery is awkward, and had I not known who Tom Hanks was, I wouldn't have lost as much respect for the man. Acting classes obviously came later in his career. Lines are stale and boring, the plot is a festering bag of depression, and they can't even get the mockery of D&D right. What they describe doesn't make you think of a roleplaying game. It sounds more like a video game than anything, and if it was, it would suck. Did I forget anything? Oh yes. It's boring.

If you download this movie, delete it from your seedlist so you don't spread the shit around.

Rating
SRM Score: 18%

Calculation: -80% for shittyness, -2% for lack of ninja.

SRM.

Shady Review: Dorian Gray

I had a discussion with one of my shady associates the other day. The topic? Immortality. What would you do to live forever? Would you want to? You probably want to try, at the very least, but as someone whom already is, I can say it's fairly overrated. Gets boring after a few hundred millenia, and the times before theatre were a drag to say the least. Nevertheless, inspired by this topic of neverending debate among egotistical megalomaniacs, I have decided to make the world aware of a man who fell to temptation, and took a vow of immortality. But first a little storytelling.
The year is 1890. Cars look sillier than they do today, and the liberal community was an endangered species. In the midst of the victorian civilization, Oscar Wilde published a novel which in today's world would probably be seen as tame, but back then it was as deviant and vicarious as my assistant's guttermind is today. This novel was named The Picture of Dorian Gray and was recieved with heavily mixed thoughts from his peers, seen as a homoerotical plunge into decadence. The novel took us on the journey of Dorian Gray, a young man who traded his soul for the chance to live forever, and remain forever young. A good deal, right? The film I bring to you was released September 2009, and is according to yours truly one of the best adaptions of the old story to be released on film. But I've kept you long enough, let's get down and dirty. Is immortality any good?

Cool guys don't look at explosions.
Dorian Gray does what it wants very well, the scenery and lighting pulling you into the appropriate era with ease, and the costume department has had a field day with the dresses and suits filling the screen in every scene. The few animations that are in the movie are nicely done, and do not detract from the movie, at least not enough for me to bash it.

My comm device is not working properly.
Ben Barnes enters the role of Dorian Gray, a naive young man returning to his parents' estate as the new lord of the manor. A role he performs with good emotion and superb acting. Dorian is supported by Colin Firth, in the role of Lord Henry Wotton, and Ben Chaplin as the friendly painter Basil. Both perform with excellence, Firth managing to hammer down the charismatic nail appropriate to Lord Henry with much skill. A minus here is Lord Henry Wotton's daughter, whom I personally feel is somewhat forced, but your mileage may vary.

How about a story before we sleep?
Dorian Gray is a story told about the very same, the young man willingly wishing away his soul into the painting his friend makes of him, so that it will suffer the consequences he would normally attract from life. Aging included. As the movie progresses, Lord Henry Wotton manages to push Dorian further into decandence and indulgence, living vicariously through the younger man as Dorian happily takes every opportunity to slake his thirst for lust and experiences.
All things must come to an end however, and the cursed painting begins to attract both vermin and insects to it's filthy visage, plaguing the boy with nightmares and reminders of the soulless creep he has become. The story stays true to the novel mostly, the addition of Lord Henry Wottons' daughter a good decision, and in spite of her somewhat forced intrusion into the story, manages to be alright. An enticing story, and it brings up the question if you would do the same in Gray's shoes.

Conclusion, Conclusion, Conclusion.
Dorian Gray is good, and is watchable by pretty much anyone. The movie does have a somewhat slow pace, so if you're an actionlover, it may be somewhat quiet and held back for you at times, but it makes up for it with it's story. I recommend Dorian Gray, but I do not recommend linking your soul to a picture.

Rating: 87% - 'tis a good movie, and a compelling story. Mandatory -2% for lack of ninja.

Shady Review: Zombieland

Greetings and aloha, young padawans. No doubt some of you are wondering who in the hells I am, and the rest of you may yet feel scorned and abandoned, or simply don't care enough to mind. I am, as once named by a terrible rival of mine; Shady Review Man. I review things, possibly with a mindset of criticism, but usually I am kind enough to pick out movies that are actually good, I leave you to trample the minefield on your own. For a long time, I was subdued and held hostage in a little room in another dimension, powerless to watch as my nemesis walked around pretending to be me. But 'lo and behold, with the inherent power of a paperclip, a hamster, duct tape, and various Review-Gadgets, I have managed to escape the evil lair, and have now returned to bring you a new movie. A delay as this movie is now no longer in cinema, but I had plenty time to compose my thoughts in the alternate realm. The movie we're about to discuss is Zombieland, and it's a recent one, released in the latter part of 2009, for those of you who never go outside, or are trapped in other dimensions. We'll get right into it, I'm itching for some reviewing.

Cool guys don't look at explosions.
If you enjoy grit and realism, this movie will sit well with you. Managing to make zombies look good is a debatably hard task, and Zombieland manages to plow through the entire movie without giving that surreal feel. Effects and makeup are nicely done, and for once this writer could actually sit back and enjoy the movie, which has none of the problems many movies today seem to. Sure, it could probably do with more explosions, but at that point, we'd need ninjas too. (Sadly it does not have too many ninjas. Or pirates. Mileage may vary.)

My comm device is not working properly.
Jesse Eisenberg is the lead character and our narrator throughout the film, playing a young man and felllow nerd known only as Columbus, which assumingly is not his real name, an insecure, genre-savvy (though ironically ignorant) nerd who's returning home in search of his parents. He does a good job, I applaud his adequate acting and managing to not draw it over the top. The show is however stolen in it's entirety by Tallahasse, Columbus trigger-happy travelpartner, played by none other than Woody Harrelson, whom no doubt had great fun shooting this movie. Though a stereotype, (All the main characters are) Tallahasse is perfectly delivered, and there are not many scenes with him that are not either A) Awesome, B) Hilarious, or C) Both. The two of them are joined by two girls, and a heckload of zombies. Sadly the girls are not as brilliant in their acting, if excellent compared to most other zombie flicks, and are grossly overshadowed by both Columbus and Tallahasse. The zombies are hilarious, however, and I take this pause in my review to applaud the actors for their ability to stumble, run, and groan aggravatedly. *bows*

How about a story before we sleep?
Zombieland is -for those of you who have not yet managed to figure this out from the name - a zombie movie. Thus, the plot is naturally revolved around zombies to a certain extent. In this case, Tallahasse and Columbus, and later the two ladies traverse America in search of a place to rest their heads and call home, all the while bringing destruction to rampaging braineaters and trying to survive. The plot is obviously nothing much to write home about, but the delivery is well executed, making it a very enjoyable story to follow, and even the over-the-top action sequence awarded to Tallahasse (of course he has one.) manages to not break the flow. This movie is filled with small gems and many a chuckle, I don't want to spoil it for you.

Conclusion, Conclusion, Conclusion.
The mere conclusion about Zombieland that SRM has to offer is; Watch Zombieland. If you have humour, or like action, or enjoy zombiesplatter, or just like to watch women making men look like idiots, or you like rollercoasters, you will enjoy this movie. If you like more than one of the above, you will love it. If you don't, you need to watch it again, and not sleep this time. Perhaps one of the greatest zombieflicks ever, Zombieland is in a class of it's own, though it's not as serious as others. If you go in expecting a gritty survivalist scenario where they're all hounded by the military and trying to uncover some tense plot, go watch 28 days later, or the crappy sequel. Go watch any thriller in fact. Zombieland has the attitude saying killing zombies and living in a post-apocalypse world can be entertaining, and it manages to pull it off.


Rating: Zombieland has the official SRM Stamp of Approval. It gets a whopping 98% out of one hundred. Two percent minus for lack of ninjas.

Shady Review: Heat

It has been a rough few months for the man behind the keyboard. In writing, Shady Review Man has yet to recieve the money he was entitled to four weeks ago, and is living on naught but bread, water, and toy cars of appropriate size and colour. Thankfully, due to todays technology, one does not always need those shiny golden coins to take part in the greater pleasures of viewing anecdotes through a flickering window. I am of course talking of watching movies, and the means VCR. Yes, those large cassettes some of you no doubt still have lingering in your dark closets, all but forgotten with the rise of new ways to indulge your film-viewing. But I shall not rant any longer, it is time for us to do some timetravelling. The year is 1995, and the action movies are dominating the market, as they have come to do in later years as well. But for every three bad action movies, a good one occassionally falls out by mistake. Heat is one such mistake, and we shall be looking at this actionthriller more closely, after this commercial.

/Do you feel as if though your sight is giving up on you? Are you perhaps down on your luck when it comes to getting ahead in life? Would you perhaps merely want someone to once lend you a hand? We have the solution! Vecna Corp. fixing all your unliving needs!/

*ahem* Yes. Let us begin.

Cool guys don't look at explosions.
Perhaps you walked into the wrong theater sonny, this is a viewing for 1995. And as far as movies who are acting out nothing but crime, this movie handles what little special effects it has with ample skill. What really stands out in this movie is the tension. No thriller has ever survived the crowd sleeping through it, or possibly laughing, and to keep itself above water, it needs that tension. Heat supplies it just where it needs it, almost giving it a feel like the movie is actually happening outside your house, at times. The complete lack of music during gunfights strengthen this further, and when all you hear is the erratic shooting of what could well be an actual gunfight, you watch just a little closer.

My comm device is not working properly.
The acting in this movie is-.. well, how does one say this.. Brilliant. Yes, brilliant is a good word. Val Kilmer, Al Pacino AND Robert De Niro all make appearances as lead characters, and boy are they good at doing so. I found myself sympathizing with the bad guys in this movie, because they were just that well played. They feel like real people, not people getting shot at in a movie.

How about a story before we sleep?
The plot of Heat is fairly simple, in fact. A bunch of professionals who are getting fairly tired of living in constant vigilance decide to hit one more job. However, the police swiftly sniff out their plans due to a newcomers misstep, and the heat begins. Heh, I know, bad one. What's so good about Heat is that it does not constantly follow the badguys, nor does it focus on Mr and Mrs Lawman running about shooting said baddies. It focuses on both. You get to see their equally crappy lives, with equally crappy dreams, and equally crappy jobs. Well, maybe some of that rings true, but in essence, it all builds up throughout the movie, and makes for a very enticing story.

Conclusion, Conclusion, Conclusion.
Heat is an excellent movie for it's time, and stands up to many movies of today, blowing most crime movies this reviewer has seen right out of the water. It may not have super special effects, or a wacky fantasy storyline, but it does have interesting characters, a good story, and an excellent way to showcase both. Add guns, perfect formula.


Heat gets a high 92% from Shady Review Man. This movie is good. Very good.

Shady Review: Memento

Finally I return! Much has happened, enough to keep the most disciplined of reviewers at bay for months. Thankfully, my shadiness coupled with the enslaving of a new assistant meant I struggled out of the swamp of despair in only a few weeks. My good friend the Blue Toy Car is dead. Yes, dead. I had to shoot it when I overheard it's plots to destroy me and take my place. I then snapped it in half to be sure, and gave him to my cousin saying it was a building set for a model car. Within I grieve, but the show must go on! What was I supposed to do again?.. Oh right, a review! This time, Memento is at the shooting range. Let's see how many holes I gave it!


Big explosions?
No. Well, that may be a tad harsh, but CGI and other special effects are mostly absent from this movie, however it doesn't make it any less of what it is. There is plenty of trick filming in Memento, and they really manage to lull us into what's happening with the clever use of their scenes. As it is, the entire movie is shot backwards, save for black and white shots in between that tie up the story. This is to ensure the viewer never knows more then Leonard, our hero this time around. Memento was also released in the US with all the shots reassembled into chronological order, and diligent as I am, I watched that too. The shots sadly lose their suspension of disbelief, and the movie no longer keeps you thinking, nor does it leave you much surprise. It also means you'll have to sit through 30 minutes of black and white before the movie 'begins', something I myself lack the patience for, though that may be because of the pain.


Failure to communicate?
The acting in Memento is quite adequate. They lift us further into Leonard's mind and we set out to think ill of the same people he does, like the same people he does, and even root for Leonard himself, something I usually fail to do while watching movies, the characters just feel underdeveloped. This is not the case in Memento however. There's plenty of space for character personality, and the whole movie gives off a "good acting" vibe in my book. Not much else to say here. Thumbs up.

Start the fires, i'll build the camp
Without spoiling too much for all you possible movie-watchers, Memento is about Leonard. A fairly young man with a specific case of amnesia leaving him without the capability to store new memories. He literally forgets everything he's done after about two minutes, or as soon as he stops focusing. We follow Leonard as he attempts to find the man who did this to him, whom conviniently enough also murdered his wife. All in all, the story is very basic as far as stories go. What makes this movie shine is the way it is filmed, as mentioned above. Everything in the whole movie comes as a surprise as we slowly see the day unfold backwards, never knowing more than our dear protagonist. Of course, if you're watching the americanized version, all you'll get is a mediocre detective story with fairly good acting, that's not really got anything going for it, but the real version is where it's at.

The big conclusion
Memento is a very enjoyable movie, and although some may find it a little tough to process, (I know a few) it is well worth the extra brainpower to enjoy the full might of this twisting movie. Or you could watch the chronological version, and pretend you're smart and did not just ruin the entire splendor of this movie by yourself.

Rating for Memento: 83% - Well worth watching, especially for you mindtrick lovers.
Rating for Memento(US): 34% - No.


This was all from me this time, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy the -real- version as much as I did! Sorry to those who have been waiting for more reviews, I've been busy twisting in pain, which put a downer on my writing! More wishes for reviews would also be handy, if you've got any. Enjoy the weekend!

Shady Review: Waking Life

I sit here in my shady corner, contemplating the meaning of our existance as I am one to regularly do. The blue toy car I recently recieved from a Kinder Egg argues with me that to truly exist, one must make a mark on the society the person in question attempts to call itself a part of. A daunting task to say the least, and while I may not agree fully with the toy car being targetted to save me from accusations of schizophrenia, I accept the challenge with glee. Now, making a mark on society could come in many forms. I prefer nukes. But, lately my stock of the wondrous, peace-making bombs has been running a tad dry. Thus, I will instead indulge myself in a film that was requested. Waking Life, it's called. I had never heard of it, so suffice to say, when the request fell into the shadowy corner of my domain, I had to quickly make myself aware of this movie. My interest flared, so what follows are the toy car's, and my, findings.

What!? Moving pictures?!
When a film takes a step away from live-action it usually results in animated sequences, or simply a series of images displayed at a painfully slow rate. Waking Life takes this further by being filmed completely with a technique called Rotoscopy. For those of you too lazy to follow the previous link, rotoscopy is an animation technique in which the animators trace over an live-action sequence, frame by frame. Hardcore, I know, and the result is something that looks innovative, mind blowing, and like you're high at the same time. My toy car assures me I am not high, and that it really does look like that all along. A very free style of animation, and Waking Life does it well. You get the abstract feeling, carried well along with the theme of the film.

High-strung men, and low-key women?
There's not much to say of the acting in this movie, as can be said with any animated movie. The actors that have been drawn over deliver their lines with free-spirited enthusiasm. It doesn't feel as if though anything is really overperformed, or underperformed for that matter. (Toy car note: It's quite possible to bore during an animated movie, he's went to tune his engine during such films many a time.) Most of the conversation carried in Waking Life are direct philosophical arguments and views, and the movie touches on quite a few aspects on life, freedom, death, reincarnation, dreaming, politics, and free will. It also brings up a few more pointers on other subjects, but mainly, that's the gist of it.

Thriller or Chiller?
The story follows a supposedly young man whose' name we may or may not ever be told. He seems to be stuck in a dreamlike state where he stumbles upon various people of dubious reality, and most of the movie entails him listening to the views and philosophies of others. It is to me, not much of a story you would follow intensely, but you let yourself flow along the abstract storyline and let the words of wisdom seep into your mind.

The end.. or is it?
In conclusion, Waking Life is a strangely odd addition to the movie dungeon in my gloomy corner, but it does definately have an aftertaste that makes you both think, and quite possibly nod to yourself at the latent wisdom contained within. It's one of those movies which will never appeal to everyone, but those who enjoy more than the basic story-less shooting movies, this may be a pleasing experience. All in all, a very special movie, and watching it will grant you either a confirmation of abstract thought, or a thoughtful 90 minutes.

Waking Life rating: 79% - Strange, but does what it wants very well. Recommended.

Shady Review: The Princess Bride

With the urging to continue from quite a few sources, yours truly returns to look down upon the movies of your choice. This time, we'll take a trick out of the recently mentioned Star Trek franchise and indulge in some time travelling into the past. To 1987, to be precise. A time I can say I hardly remember at all, seeing as it was before my birth. I can pretty firmly state I remember very little from the years directly after my birth too. But I digress. 1987, as is true with any year, certainly had alot of interesting things going for it. For us, however, we glean on a single object from this era of technological inferiority. The movie The Princess Bride. Take a moment to say that to yourself. If you imagined a medieval fantasy setting with sword-fighting, devilish forests that shoot fire from the ground, and torture devices capable of making a man scream loud enough for a kingdom to hear it, you certainly have a vivid imagination. I will explain further below.

Big explosions?
No. Not by today's standards anyway. The effects are nothing to write home about, but then again not much more can be expected from a movie in the 80's. Perhaps the real charm is that this movie manages to portray its' world and and keep you in the grips of it's amusing story without a single touch of CGI. A very welcome feature, I must say! Of course, everything looks crappy, but charmingly so. Even so, the movie has quite an excellent grasp on effects for it's time, and it works perfectly.

Failure to communicate?
Bad acting can ruin any movie, and with how many cringe-worthy old movies I've seen, I can honestly say that I was expecting nothing above horrendous when first introduced to this masterpiece. Fortunately, I was proven very wrong. The actors are all excellent in my book, and even though the entire movie(and the conversation within) is corny enough to be boiled and eaten off a stalk, this merely adds to the lovely feeling that is The Princess Bride. The acting never feels stale, and the entire movie not only manages to create a fairly compelling story, it makes fun of itself with great success while doing so. Humour is a large part of this movie, and it can certainly be seen at every turn. I had to rewatch the movie specifically to see if I missed any veiled prods at the fantasy genre, and it turns out I did. Wherever you go, there's a joke somewhere close by. And still this movie manages a somewhat serious tone, making for an example todays' actors (not to mention scriptwriters) could learn from.

Campfire not required?
Now i said before the movie is corny. It is, at every turn. But in a very good way. It's not the 'roll your eyes and sigh' kind, but the kind that makes you smirk faintly whenever they open their mouthes. The movie's plot is in fact a book, which is being read by a man to his grandson, and whatever oddities one might find in this movie, it remains credible due to the movie stating it is fiction by it's own volition. Overall, the story is fairly generic. Farmer falls in love with girl. Girl becomes a princess. Farmer becomes a super-pirate. Super-pirate sets out to free the kidnapped princess in a spiral of corruption, sword-fighting and taunting. Comes free with the famous line "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die."

In conclusion.
The Princess Bride is a brilliant movie, and definately worth seeing at least once, if nothing else, then for seeing how simple a movie can be, and do so well. If you're a roleplayer, you should be even more compelled to look at this for some classical inspiration, and a few great laughs. The laughs apply even without roleplaying experience, or interest!

The Princess Bride rating: 94% - This is what a movie should look like.

The first ever Shady Review, Star Trek

When the ads started appearing for the new Star Trek movie, I could only groan. To me it seemed like one last ditch attempt to squeeze money out of a dying franchise which, over the later years, has been plagued by movies that continously decreased in quality, constant reusal of old ideas in yet another Star Trek series, and games that make me set my phaser to kill and use on myself. It would be with great reluctance I went to see this movie, and only after the badgering of a distant friend to review it on his website, that I did. And I am glad that I did.

Big explosions?
When it comes to special effects, this movie certainly has top notch quality, and makes no attempts to hide it. There's enough of it all in here to make Star Wars blush! With all the explosions and mandatory spaceship action happening, this movie certainly is a pleasure for the eyes. There isn't much more to say about this, it's really better than any other action/sci-fi I've seen lately. It really does help immerse you into the wonders that is the far off future. Fanservice is in this movie, of course, much to my dismay, but at least it's kept to a minimum.

Failure to communicate?
Now, on to where every bad and mediocre remake alike falls flat on its' tushie! The acting, closely followed by the story. Now don't get me wrong, the story is important, but not even a masterpiece script can keep this cynic from walking out on awkwardly delivered lines and over the top acting. I can only say that I am wholly surprised. The characters seem as lively as we once knew them, and you can really see whom is who from the way they act, before their names are even hinted upon! Chris Pine seems perfect in the role of a youthful, if somewhat overaggressive James T. Kirk. Spock is portrayed by Zachary Quinto, and his acting in the trailers is most of the cause for my shying away from the movie in the first place. Turns out he does an excellent Spock, and the scenes in question make perfect sense in context.
Leonard Nimoy makes an appearance in this movie as well, and might I say, he hasn't lost his touch! All in all, the cast could possibly not have been filled by better actors, although the accent of Chekov gets cringe-worthy rather quickly.

Camp fire not mandatory?
The story! Good actors, yes, but is it worth watching? In short? Yes.
Star Trek makes a bold move here and reboots the franchise to steer away from Star Trek as we know it, and create something different. Trying to keep spoilers to a minimum, this new breathe of life into the franchise is done with a new look into the old concept of time travel. Add a disgruntled villain into the mix, and our heroes old(future?) lives no longer look the same! Instead we have traumatized younger versions of our crew, with events changed forever. Even small touches, such as how Kirk got through Starfleet Academy, and they are certainly appreciated. Storywise, this incarnation of Star Trek managed to grip me from start to finish, with exception for the completely unecessary part where a ~14 year old Kirk flees from a police officer in the beginning. The only thing that disappointed me was the main villain of this movie. Nero, a royally pissed off miner from the future, comes back to exact a personal vendetta. He does this well, but he doesn't come off as a great threat to me, he just seems lackluster, somehow. In spite of this, with everything happening, it's an excellent movie.

The final cou-..conclusion!
What is my conclusion then? If you like Star Trek, go see this movie. If you didn't like Star Trek before, or sci-fi for that matter, this might be a great time to start.

As will be custom, if people enjoy my reviews at all, I will include a small rating of my own, and Star Trek, being a surprisingly good movie, will start this trend with an impressive 91%. I predict very little topping that this year, but we'll see.

If you like reading this, and would wish to see more, feel free to drop a comment. Commenting on the movie works too!

Star Trek score: 91% - Watch this movie, k.

Live long and prosper.